The real reason people celebrate wedding anniversaries is not simply to remember their weddings or commemorate a date on the calendar or even to receive gifts. They celebrate because they understand that one more year of commitment is behind them. One more year of ups and downs has been conquered. Wedding anniversaries are special because they involve two human beings sharing an accomplishment that many give up on and because they give up, they miss out on so many victories and great memories.

Ask any couple who has been married over 50 years and you will find that their longevity did not come without struggles as well as great moments. Yet, so many young or newly married couples jump into marriage so quickly they never stop to ask those who have endured how they made it. As a result, they are completely defeated when tough times come along. And they do come along! I truly believe many marriages could have been saved had the truth about marriage been shared rather than the fairy tale. The truth is marriage is hard work and takes commitment and passion. Anyone who has worked hard on anything they are commited to and passionate about will share that the end result was worth the hard work even when the load was sometimes unbearable. The fairy tale is that a good marriage is always happy and blissful. Your spouse will always understand you and will meet every need you have. If your fairy tale has a wicked enemy, your spouse will defeat him or her and all will be happily ever after. In the fairy tale marriage the house is always clean, the bills are always paid, you like his friends and he likes yours, his mother is wonderful, no one gets sick, and no one could ever turn your spouse’s head. There is no snoring, farting, burping, fowl language or other annoying habits in the fairy tale marriage. But we live in the real world with real marriages that encounter real problems which require real-life solutions.

My parents were married 50 years and two months when my dad passed away after a ten year battle with COPD had finally taken its toll on his body. 50 years is a great milestone in a marriage and sadly, an uncommon one in today’s society. They reached that milestone because they were commited to the promise they made on their wedding day that included, “for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health”.

Looking back to my childhood I remember lots of better, richer and health. But the reality was that there was some of worse, sometimes even poorer, and some major sickness.

My parents did not yell at each other in front of me. Though I can remember snide remarks or some minor tension, they did not seem to argue in front of me. Now my brother and sister remember their early years slightly different. How could that be? How could we have different memories of the same parents? Well, their memories of early childhood came from my parents first ten years of marriage. During that time they were still getting to know each other (even though couples never stop getting to know one another). That was a time of setting boundaries, discovering each other’s disciplines and beliefs. Those were the years of establishing the foundation that would help them through many trials as a couple and as parents.

I knew the parents who were in their second decade of marriage. They had become more settled with one another and who they were themselves. Their roles were more defined. They also had a little more independence because my sister and brother were older and could help out with me. Dad was a successful dental technician who owned his own laboratory. Mom was his right-hand who handled the administration side of the business, ran errands, and took care of us kids. My dad loved to play golf and cards at the club after work. Mom played a little golf but she was more in to sunning by the pool with us kids. This was a good and prosperous time for our family but not without sacrifice on the part of my parents. My mother even survived cancer during this decade of marriage. The social life was taking its toll on my parents, especially my mom. I can remember many nights watching her in her bentwood rocking chair….waiting. Of course, I was too young then to know what was going on or to realize how lonely she had become. Looking back, however, I can see it so clearly.

During this decade my brother and sister were now 70’s teenagers running the roads and enjoying their independence. Unfortunately for them, I got to tag along when mom and dad wanted to go out or on vacation. I can imagine how frustrating it must have been for them to have their little sister tagging along. They both did a good job of convincing me of how painful it would be if I ever shared their secrets. Not only did I believe them, but I also enjoyed getting to hang out with them and their friends. Not to mention my sister had a knack for attracting cute guys with cute little brothers! I really only remember one family that was a product of divorce. They were members of the club and had a daughter my age. She had a half brother from California who was the absolute cutest!

As time went by I really thought our family was normal and had it together. By middle school, my parents third decade of marriage, I started meeting other kids whose parents were separated or divorced. This was new and somewhat intriguing to me. This divorce thing was really starting to catch on. It seemed like more and more of my friends had divorced parents or parents who were getting divorced. I was the proud one. My parents were still married.

I never seemed to notice how often my dad would come home intoxicated. (Intoxicated seemed so much nicer than drunk). To be honest, almost all the dads I knew drank so it was no big deal. My dad would sit down at the table play cards or a game with me….it was all good. I never noticed how distant they had become. They actually hid it quite well. They still went out, on vacations, to the lake, worked together, etc. All seemed normal.

During this third decade my mom starting getting a little stronger and a little more independent. She took up hiking with my grandpa and her weekends were filled with trips to the mountains. I either stayed with my sister or at home with my dad. It was during this time I learned the art of sneaking out. They went to bed at 7:30 pm. It wasn’t really that hard!

All three of us kids were “black sheep”. How two people could give birth to three is beyond me. Each of us had our own unique form of rebellious behavior for my parents to deal with. This would later be used as an excuse for my dad’s home avoidance. However history shows that his actions started long before any of us rebelled.

To be honest, I really did not care what they did. It was the 80’s. I was spoiled. What else mattered? My mom made sure I had the best clothes, shoes, hair-do’s, etc. The wheels of trouble started spinning when we were on a shopping spree right before my 15th birthday and one of the credit cards was declined. My mom was ticked. She pulled out another one, paid for my clothes, and then we went to eat. I remember how her mood had completely changed.

On my 15th birthday, my world came to a sudden halt. Everything changed. My dad did not come to my birthday party. My sister and my mom barely spoke. It was weird. Then a couple of hours after the party my dad came home. I had never seen my mom take such extreme control of a situation as she did that night. Without saying a word, they went to their bedroom and a few minutes later returned. Dad was carrying two pillow cases filled with some of his belongings. He never said a word to me. He just came in and left in silence. When the door closed behind him my mom told me that she asked him to leave because she was tired of him cheating on her. Then she went to her room. That was that.

The next day I went straight to my sister. She already knew. She told me that she had seen my dad earlier that day with another woman and had chased them down and told my dad that if he didn’t tell mom, she would. I can’t imagine how she must have felt to actually see that.

Two days after he left he was back. It was their anniversary.

When I walked through the door I was so angry with him. But my mom was not! I walked over and gave her a hug. My dad grabbed my arm and asked me if I was going to give him a hug. I shrugged him off and walked away. Say what you want about AC/DC, Judas Priest, Quiet Riot, and the rest of the great 80’s rockers, but through the tremendously loud speakers blasting my favorite rock bands I was able to withstand my parents for the next few days. And they deserved the noise!

After that all went back to “normal” as if nothing ever happened. But something did happen………..

My ability to fully trust or respect a man was completley severed. Not understanding anything about forgiveness, I lost all respect for my mom. I thought she was weak and spineless. If they thought I was rebellious before, they had not seen anything yet. The next few years, I would really help put their marriage to the test. And yet, not only did they endure, they became stronger!

So, fast-forward to our first decade of marriage. Though I loved my husband, I could not trust him. Not all of that was my dad’s fault either. My husband had a knack for “bending the truth”. (Just sayin’) I knew that it would only be a matter of time before he would betray me. Imagine my surprise when five years into our marriage it was me who would betray him with a former boyfriend of mine. I was completely caught of guard because I had swore I would never put another man before my husband. I believed the fairy tale lie. We got along great with no bills or kids to argue about. We just got to hang out on the weekends and not worry about a thing. He told me all the things I wanted to hear and made me feel like I was special. My husband had stopped doing that. We argued all the time. My betrayal broke my husband’s heart and was about to break our daughter’s heart. It wasn’t until I saw this other man hold our daughter that I came to myself. I was sickened. He was not her father and had no business pretending. We never saw each other after that day. I did not want to hurt my husband any more and I certainly did not want to do to our daughter what my dad had done to me.

The next three years were rough. Once the trust is broken it is close to impossible to regain. We tried going to church but our attendance was lacking and we didn’t really hang out with other Christians. We just could not get passed what had happened. Don’t get me wrong, we still had some great times. We conceived our second child. During my pregnancy my husband spent a lot of time at his friend’s house in South Carolina. There were lots of “opportunities” for my husband to retaliate. Being pregnant did not help my lack of trust either. The extra weight added to my long-suffered insecurity. We were constantly at each other’s throats. We briefly bonded together when our son was born almost eight weeks early. That bonding didn’t last. Seven months after our son’s birth, we split up for seven months. I took the kids and went to Knoxville. It was the worst seven months of my life. I honestly felt like I was in the pig pen.

During that time, (my parents’ were entering their 5th decade of marriage) my mom came by to take me to lunch. She told me all about the struggles earlier on in her marriage. She said, “Charlie, you have no idea how many times I have gotten in the car to leave your dad, and sometimes I made it to my sister’s and stayed a few days, but I always returned. I am so thankful, now, that I stuck it out. But you do what you have to do.”

My mother wasn’t weak and spineless! She was an overcomer!

I finally bent my knees and prayed. My husband and I started to slowly tolerate one another enough to talk. We decided to try again. This time we knew we needed help and we knew that the only One who could help us was God. We committed to going to church every week – no matter what.

The first year back together was tougher than tough. Our loving Father was beyond gracious. He sent us a couple named, Herb and Carolyn, who were a “seasoned” married couple and devout Spirit-filled Christians. They seemed to know exactly what to say and how to pray for our marriage. They became the two most important Christians in our lives and are still today.

It’s been eleven years since our separation. We are now entering in to our third decade of marriage.

I wrote all of this because I think it’s important to remind people that marriage is tough work and requires commitment. Not one single person who has overcome the trials and temptations; endured the heartachs and losses; tasted the bitterness of betrayal and rejection would disagree when I say that it is all worth it. Why? Because even though I wrote about some bad marriage memories, they in no way overshadow all the great and happy blessings we have enjoyed over the past 21 years that a committed marriage brings. Besides, there is not enough memory storage on a thousand computers to tell of all the good things our marriage or my parents’ has seen! Couples make it to 50 years because they endure. They don’t let the bad out-weigh the good. Learning to forgive is the key to longevity. Forgiveness opens the door to trust. Once someone damages or breaks the bond of trust, ONLY forgiveness can mend it. Forgiveness must come from the one hurt for the healing to begin.

Trust can only come when you truly forgive. I had to forgive my dad and stop pretending that just because it happened long ago that it no longer mattered. It did. Though I had told God that I had forgiven my dad years ago, I got to tell my dad while he was in the hospital. I know that my dad always felt a little guilty over what had happened. I only wish I had told him sooner.

We are entering a new phase of marriage on May 4. We now have four kids. Its a time where we are both now considered “middle-aged”. Our bellies aren’t solid anymore, little gray hairs are sneaking in, our parents are getting older, our kids are becoming less dependent, and we have come to understand what “youth is wasted on the young” means. Our bodies don’t function as well as they did ten or twenty years ago and we value down-time and afternoon naps much more. Our style of music is more mellow, choice of television shows more mature, and we don’t go to the movies anymore. We cannot begin to imagine what the next decade will be like, but we do know this; it will have ups and downs. We will use the valuable lessons learned in the first two decades to help sustain us in the next. First and foremost is our relationship with Jesus Christ. We owe our marriage to Him.

It was ultimately God who restored our marriage and who has made it what it is today. It is ultimately God who will keep our marriage preserved to the end of our time on earth. But it was my parents who taught me that marriage is a commitment worth keeping. I am so proud of my parents for demonstrating a lasting marriage. This world is running short on lasting marriages. We are doing our part to change that.

On our wedding day, May 4, 1991, my dad gave both my husband and me the same advice when he met with us seperately before the ceremony: “You have to learn to take the bad with the good to make your marriage last.” That was some excellent advice from a man who truly understood.

No, its not the wedding dress, cake or decorations that we celebrate. Its so much more. We celebrate because we have added one more year of perserverance to our kingdom resume’. We celebrate because the enemy is defeated with every anniversary.

I don’t want or ask for jewelery or flowers. Trips are fun but can be taken anytime. I eat dinner every night and my husband can grill a steak to perfection. Better than any five-star chef.

All I want for my anniversary is the gift of another year with my husband…..good or bad.